女同學的投訴

女同學的投訴



大兒SS的影子老師昨天告訴我們：SS班上的一位女同學C跟老師說她很不開心，因為SS經常跟著她，堅持要參與有她的那組活動，使她很尷尬，因為有同學嘲笑他們。她曾要求SS停止尾隨她的行為，卻無法讓SS明白，使她很是煩惱。老師一方面跟C解釋，另一方面也希望我們可以提些建議如何處理。

我們知道孩子們總有一天要面對這樣的社交問題，只是當這一天來臨時，我們還是有點措手不及。向來小女生要比同齡的男生成熟，何況SS社交能力更弱，語言能力欠佳，興趣狹隘，性子執拗，他無法理解自己的行為對女同學造成的困擾。但是怎樣跟SS說才不至令他難過，影響他面對同學時的信心呢？SS剛開始跟同學們有比較多的交往，如果處理不好，只怕他又會退縮了。

思前想後，考慮了一些方法。以下是外子寫給老師的電郵，很能說明我們的心情，跟大家分享。

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Dear Miss K,

Thank you for your notes about SS.

They are no more little kids and socializing is getting more a complex issue for them.  SS is well intended, looking for friends and trying to make friends, in his own way and language, which always appear odds and are misunderstood.  (Fortunately he has a cheery face, happy soul and sunny smile!)  His language is delayed, interest limited and behavior rigid.  (But school life has helped him improve a lot!)  Just because of these difficulties he tends to repeat the same questions and do the same thing, whether he wants to start a dialogue, keep a conversation or show friendship or affection.  Adults can understand.  But his peers may not.  We as parents are asked the same questions, for example, about buses and cars all day throughout the week.  This is how he opens conversation.  He enjoys in doing so as he not only finds enjoyment in these, but also a relationship.  We are very tired, especially after a whole long day of work, but somehow we can enjoy in this type of not-so-usual dialogue as it is one of the limited ways to open up his world and help him to communicate with others.  It’s a heart-to-heart communication.  Not a matter of plain words and language.  In the open contexts of the social world in which he has to be on his own, attachment and fixation somehow give certainty.  Unfortunately, these sometimes are not socially acceptable.

I think we have to handle this carefully, with the interest of both children in mind, and to approach the situation in a positive, educational way.  Let the children learn to see it as a matter of differences and preferences instead of right and wrong.  SS will be very upset too if he takes it as a matter of his wrong or being blamed.

Strategy 1

There is a need to keep a longer distance between the two children by not putting them in the same group in learning activities.  Guide and encourage SS to join a group which C is not in.  (But don’t highlight that it’s because of C.)  Ask him to find someone else as he has to learn to work with different people.

Strategy 2

Talk to C about SS’s difficulties and that SS has never meant to upset/ disturb her.  Unlike most of the classmates, SS takes longer time to learn to behave in a more socially appropriate way.  Let C think it this way: SS is never a trouble maker at school.  Ask her to think positive about SS and try to understand his difficulties.  There is no need to get upset.  I guess SS just wants to be included or wants a sense of togetherness with his classmates, especially his favourite ones.  I observed him for a while on the playground during lunch time after the Sports Day morning and I discovered that he just sat near but not very close to the girls (C, P, and others.) when having lunch.  He was very well behaved and didn’t mind when the girls left.  Sitting near together in a very loose circle is SS’s concept of friendship, even though there is no dialogue, or just monologue.  That’s it!  SS won’t ask for more than that!  It would be really kind of her if she could still say hello or goodbye to SS before and after school.  (I guess this is the first time when C and SS are in the same class.  Some of the classmates who have been with SS since Y3/ Y4 may know more about SS’s difficulties as I remembered that his class teachers had spent some time talking to the kids about SS.)  Inclusive education is always a two way process.

Strategy 3

Talk to SS in a positive way but got to handle it with care.  Don’t let him get the message wrong.  I have started a dialogue with SS already.  We want to see how SS would report and see this.  He doesn’t like JJ to follow him around as well.  There is a common point here.  We will make use of this to construct a “social story” for him to teach him more socially acceptable behavior.



Best wishes,

SS’ Daddy